Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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