let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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