its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize