Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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