So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
