Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
