Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
