Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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