when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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