you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
