i think my tv is drunk
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize