im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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