her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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