I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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