It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
