This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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