I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
