The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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