you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
