I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
