I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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