i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
