i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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