he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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