Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
