In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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