Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
