I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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