Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
