My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
