Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize