absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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