Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
