We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
