If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
