All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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