you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
