thus making me awesome and them whores
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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