My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
