From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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