I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize