clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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