How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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