Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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