I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
