God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
