Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
