I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
