oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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