He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
