Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
