Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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