ugly people sure do ruin things
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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