Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
